Transgender Transitions
This may be an odd way to begin a column on transgender identification and its societal ramifications, but when I began to ponder this topic, Cat Stevens’s song, “Father and Son”, which I may or may not have sung as a duet with one Andrew Clark in front of a not yet sufficiently inebriated crowd as the opening act for Colgate University Spring Party weekend in 1992, came to mind. It is meant to be a dialogue between, you guessed it, a father and son. The lyrics are as follows:
Father: It’s not time to make a change
Just relax, take it easy
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to know
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy
I was once like you are now, and I know that it’s not easy
To be calm when you’ve found something going on
But take your time, think a lot
Why, think of everything you’ve got
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not
Son: How can I try to explain? ‘Cause when I do he turns away again
It’s always been the same, same old story
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go
Father: It’s not time to make a change
Just sit down, take it slowly
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to go through
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy
Son: All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside
It’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it
If they were right, I’d agree, but it’s them they know not me
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go
Now when Andrew and I performed this song, we split up the voices with me making the son sound eerily reminiscent of the dying cow from the Jim Carrey movie Me, Myself, and Irene. That said,it is a hauntingly beautiful song representing the polemic between a father and his conservative approach to life rooted in his many years and myriad experiences on the planet pitted against the son’s robust individualism and thirst for a path of his own making. In some sense, it is a universal conflict that transcends the boundaries of time or location, the clash between rigid experience and .youthful enthusiasm. And today that struggle is represented by the lingering issues of transgender identification.
This generation simply sees gender identification differently than we do (and by “we” I mean all of you who currently have children at home that jokingly refer to you as “boomer”). Raised in a culture of greater tolerance and acceptance, they have been privy to a society where people are more willing to embrace their true selves in a public context rather than hiding behind a veil of compelled discretion. I mean, when I was a kid, people wondered if Liberace was gay. Now, Ellen has a talk show that rivals Oprah. Yeah, we’ve come a long way when it comes to opening the closet door.
As such, kids today (and by kids, I mean anyone younger than me- and yes, that includes my now 40-something former students) view gender with greater opennesses and fluidity than we did as we reached our own defining adolescence. They embrace the notion that gender does not have to be seen through the limiting prism of strict definition and I, for one, welcome this change. Like the son who screams out in the final verse “It’s hard, but its harder to ignore it…I’d agree, but it’s them they know not me,” they do not want to deny who they feel they are or what they want to become to satisfy the judgment of an older generation that does not understand them.
But the father in the song also represents a voice of earned wisdom and caution. The father may be older and somewhat out of touch (ok, maybe a lot out of touch), but reflecting back over his years, he knows that some of his experience is relevant here, and he just wants to help the son avoid the obstacles he knows he sees, but the son, with his limited perspective, does not, “Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy/ I was once like you are now, and I know that it’s not easy/ To be calm when you’ve found something going on/But take your time, think a lot…./For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.” The father understands, but struggles to impart, his advice on the son’s path.
While I fully embrace all transgender community members, I also know we need to exercise some much needed prudence here as well. Now I will note here my use of the word “embrace” rather than “tolerate” because, after all, tolerance is just a bs way of saying, “Ok, I guess we will accept you here because we have to”, like some Southern racist restaurant owner serving an African-American customer shortly after the fall of “Separate but equal”, whereas embrace means you fully recognize and respect every human being just for whom they are. That said, we need to urge potential transgender youth to “take their time” in contemplating the full impact of this decision to have surgery. After all, there really is no going back because I’m no doctor and am not 100% sure of how all of that works, but I’m pretty damn sure that once they lop that thing off, they aren’t putting it back on with Elmer glue and some duct tape.
Do you remember your adolescence? Yeah, my recollection a bit hazy too, but I remember enough of it to know that it was filled with volatile and chaotic ups and downs fueled by raging hormones and a persistently critical sense of self-esteem. While adolescence is certainly the time when most of us begin to contemplate our gender identity and all its wonderful and not so wonderful ramifications, it is not always the time when those perspectives solidify and harden.
While some would push to lower the mandatory age for opting for transgender surgery (currently 18), I actually favor a more moderate approach. I know waiting for surgery and feeling trapped inside of a body that does not feel like yours has got to be immensely difficult, but I tend to prefer that approach as compared to opening the door to confused and impulsive teenagers who think they know what they want, only to second guess that decision later on down the road. I mean, if I had been allowed to get a tattoo before the age of 18, I would still have “Slash” etched upon my right bicep, and let’s face it, no one needs to see that.
In the end, the fact that we are even having this discussion suggests how far we have come on these issues, that perhaps the father really has heard the son instead of “ordering him to listen”. But the most amazing thing about Cat Stevens’s song is that we are meant to see that both are equally valid perspectives. He once said of the song, “That’s how I managed to write that song with two people in it. They’re both right.” While we as parents need to allow our children to be whomever it is they are going to become and embrace them for that, they might just stand to learn something from listening to us once in awhile. Now could someone teach that to my own kids?
Steven Craig is the author of the best-selling novel WAITING FOR TODAY, as well as numerous published poems, short stories, and dramatic works. Read his blog TRUTH: In 1000 Words or Less every THURSDAY at www.waitingfortoday.com
