New Years Resolutions I’m Sure Not to Keep
Ah, New Year’s, 2024. Nothing like the start of a new year to remind us of all the crappy things we have been doing to our bodies and souls for the past 364 days, only to spend at least a week or so thinking about how we can remedy them. We buy health food, sign up for gym memberships, and throw away the cigarettes we have stashed underneath the attic stairs. But before we even hit a month starting with any letter other than J, we go right back to the same old bad habits that got us into all this trouble in the first place. Perhaps we would all be wise to just stop making these outrageous resolutions in the first place.
But if there’s one bad habit I just can’t seem to break, it’s writing this annual list of New Year’s Resolutions. And so with no further ado, here is my 2024 Resolutions I am Sure Not to Keep:
I resolve to stop judging others for their foibles and imperfections. Right after I get done urinating on my neighbour’s ostentatious holiday decorations.
I resolve to stop using a photograph of Kid Rock emptying clips of ammunition into defenseless Bud Light cans as a target when I am at the shooting range.
I resolve to stop doom-scrolling on the internet. Instead I will limit myself to watching the nightly news in order to delve further into a depression regarding the state of the world.
I resolve to start recycling more. With that in mind, you can expect to see this same pathetic joke in next year’s New Year’s Resolutions column.
I resolve to stop using the term “snowman” and “snowwoman” and, as their lack of genitalia would suggest, restrict myself to gender neutral pronouns when referring to various snow people.
I resolve to stop blaming my gaseous emanations on the dog. Especially since he died over a year ago.
I resolve to only drink alcohol on days ending in “Y”.
I resolve to spend less time watching sports and instead spend more time with my family….watching sports.
I resolve to using less social media. Instead, I will keep up with what old friends from high school are doing with their lives the old fashioned way: by simply not giving a shit.
I resolve to take down my Christmas decorations sometime before Thanksgiving of next year.
I resolve to stop saying the word “jipped” out of respect to all of the gypsies I know who may be offended by the term. I will, however, continue to use the term in the course of my writing as we all know that gypsies do not read (and yes, I am fully aware of the angry vitriol that might come my way if the above statement was not, in fact, rooted in basic truth).
I resolve to only vote for political candidates who did not lead an insurrection against our own democracy with the explicit intention of overthrowing the government under the false pretence of voter fraud for which they provided absolutely zero evidence.
I resolve to stop having expectations for the Denver Broncos and instead resign myself to acknowledging that they suck more than a Colfax call girl.
I resolve to stop bussing migrants to the home of my Republican family members.
I resolve to stop tipping my Starbucks barista who makes more per hour serving up Carmel macchiatos than I do educating the youth of America.
And finally, I resolve to not make any more resolutions, at least until next year’s column.
Steven Craig is the author of the best-selling novel WAITING FOR TODAY, as well as numerous published poems, short stories, and dramatic works. Read his blog TRUTH: In 1000 Words or Less every THURSDAY at www.waitingfortoday.com
