I’m a Fucking Hypocrite!!!!

I’m A Fucking Hypocrite!!!

First of all, to all of you who wrote in to express your disappointment and frustration with my failure to pen a Tuesday TRUTH: In 1000 Words or Less, I am sorry. I am sorry and go fuck yourself. I was sick for crying out loud. In fact, I had the AIDS. Ok, I had a significant chest cold and just didn’t feel up to writing something thoughtful or funny. So sue me if you feel so inclined…

I guess the whole experience has left me in a self-disparaging mood. I usually pride myself on the German work ethic I inherited from my grandfather who only missed three days in his working career, two of which were spent in the emergency room. Needless to say, my grandfather would have gotten that Tuesday column done. He might have even written an extra Friday column as penance for the mere contemplation of not doing so. It left me questioning the other areas of my life where I sometimes fail to live up to my own lofty standards for righteous living. Call this my self-confessional. Please don’t hate me.
For example, I am a huge proponent of each of us doing our own individual part to take care of our planet and combat climate change. I pay extra for recycling pick up and generally do my best to separate materials carefully. But if I’m polishing off a Mountain Dew as I pull up to pump gas, instead of bringing it home, I am likely to throw it in the unseparated trash there.

I know I shouldn’t, but I eat too much processed food. Screw you, Montsanto, and your highly tempting, genetically-altered food abominations.

Even though I have a good friend who is a vocal supporter of the Dumb Friends League and another who ran the Summit County Animal Control, I have never adopted a pet. All my pups have been purebreds purchased from a breeder. and what have I gotten for it? A food obsessed Golden Retriever, a Bernese Mountain Dog with bad hips, and my affable but dim-witted Newfoundland who was bred for water rescue but wont go near the water!

I sometimes fail to vote in mid-term elections even though I know they are every bit as important as elections during the Presidential cycle.

I spend too much time on social media, though I have gotten better about remembering to focus instead on the people sitting right in front of me, especially when they are the small people that pay no rent in our house.

I believe it is the civic responsibility for each voting citizen of a democracy to be informed about the issues impacting the nation, but the news has become so mind-numbing and sensationalized that I rarely watch that crap anymore for fear of having to beat my head into a wall repeatedly and relentlessly in order to numb the pain it creates in my cranial region. Thank heavens for the Daily Show for at least making that shit funny.

I hate hypocrisy. Yes, I am all too aware of both the irony and multi-leveled hypocrisy going on here. I don’t need you to remind me, thank you very much.

As a feminist who tries to confront the embedded gender codes in almost all of our cultural zeitgeist, I have been quick to point out to pretty much anyone that would listen the dangerous feminine passivity that is endemic to nearly every Disney princess (Have you ever read “Sleeping Beauty”? Sister is literally just lying there waiting for her knight in shining armor. And what does he do to rescue her? Comes along and kisses her while she’s clearly unconscious. Is this an act of heroism or date rape?). Still, my daughter’s room is draped in princess regalia- from the Elsa dress in her closet to the Jasmine sticker affixed to the seat cover of her toilet. I just hope it’s still on there when she pukes into that toilet after a night of heavy drinking in her high school years.

I rally for the cause of local businesses and restaurants, knowing that it is our financial support that helps them to survive. But I must admit that I often shop at Target. And damn it if my kids don’t love Noodles and Company. At least I won’t go near that Walmart place, unless I’m driving through Kansas. Then what choice do I have?

I’ve been known to watch The Biggest Loser while sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream.
I talk way too much shit while playing hockey. Nothing really outlandish or anything, but I’m pretty sure my mom would not approve. Actually, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t approve of most of the things I write in this column.

And finally, I tend to take far too long in the shower, fully relishing the soothing effects of hot water upon the skin, though I know that water is becoming an ever more scarce resource. After this confessional though, I may just need a good, long one.

Steven Craig is the author of the best-selling novel WAITING FOR TODAY, as well as numerous published poems, short stories, and dramatic works. Read his blog TRUTH: in 1000 Words or Less every TUESDAY and FRIDAY at www.waitingfortoday.com